For Christmas sake

Ha, I found my old blog, im thinking that no one reads this anymore as I have not written anything on it in over a year, but i thought it was cool to have found it. It is funny reading what I have written here, I realize it has been a really, really long year, I have seen people that I admire fall, I have seen more spiritual battles than I care to count, I have lost myself and found God, gone up and down, started a bible study and raised up many girls, ran a team of friends and with God have raised them into intercessors, I have experienced so very much and changed even more... I am a different person than I was Nov 06 when I last wrote... strange what can happen in a year, isn't it?

- Me

i feel ugly today, lacking all beauty....

i feel ugly today. mostly because i was told i was. and that resonated in me, because its something that i struggle with feeling about myself anyways. i think if a stranger says something to you, it wont matter that much, but if it is someone very close it can feel like a dagger in your skin.

i shouldnt care what others think, but stupidly, i do, whether i want to or not, i truly care what others think of me.... and now thoughts are rushing through my head at a rate i cannot even control. you see i can find so much beauty in every person i meet, but i am reminded today that some will never see beauty in me.... and i know, God does and i know one day, i will stand in the beauty of his presence and it will reflect on me for all eternity and all the ugliness of this world will be washed away, but it still hurts me to hear those words and feel it in myself.

well thats all for now, over and out, im going home to bed.

-me (a slightly sad and pained version.)

life and stuff

I've been thinking alot lately about life and where i thought i would be at this time of my life. i guess i expected to be married, have kids, be on the mission field somewhere.... im not, and yet, over all, i think i am the happiest that i have ever been.

i have great friends, the closest friends that i have ever had. i have a great job, tho it starts early in the morning, i love it. i work with great people.... God has restored friendships that i thought were long gone, and has kept and grown relationships that i thought had no chance.

i'm not as "close" to God as i was a few years ago, but that is coming back too. i am learning more and more about intercession everyday, and am starting to teach the whole church about it.

As we come to the end of this year, i have come to realize that even though this year has been the most difficult one in my life, God has used it all to grow great charactor in me, charactor that i never thought was possible in me. i lean on and trust in God more than ever... which is odd, in view of my other comment.... but its true.

i have learned so much this year, in ways i wish none of us ever had to go through, but we all learned great lessons none the less.

well, that is my thought for today, love you all.

-me

its time

I am sitting listening to one of my friends preach. he is talking about unity, which happens to be one of my favorite topics. it is all about "one" can one person change the world? i think they can, as we all unite with a common cause, a common love, a common force, we can as one change the world.

I have been reading today about Bono and what he is doing. i really don't care what ya'll think about his faith, is he christian, isn't he, i am not even rendering my opinion here because that is not what matters at this moment. what matters is that he, is gathering a force with a common purpose, vision and love and he is changing the world. Go Bono!

we as a church need to stand up and make a difference. we spend so much time talking about other people, bothered by other people, hating or loving another person, or people group. talking about our visions, our destinys, and never taking the step towards making it happen. God is not going to pick us up and force our legs to walk forward into our destiny, just like he will not pick us up and force us into salvation. christian or not, i believe that people like Bono have done more for people and therefore for God than most of us confessing christians (and i lump myself into that!)

We need to be radical people for our faith, now that is a dangarous word to use, because in this world, we see faith radicals as those who blow things and people and themselves up for their faith, that is not how i use the word. I mean, willing to do anything and give anything (in love) for God and those around us.

we have been given so much, so many giftings of the holy spirit and we are using a fraction of a fraction of what we have been given. I believe the reason that we are not seeing the miracles, the signs, the wonders in our lives and those around us is because we are not willing to tap into ALL of God. the whole fire, the whole shabang. when the followers were in the upper room, the holy spirit came in FIRE and rested upon everyone of them, so that even their shaddows falling on people healed and delivered them. it isnt a work thing, deliverance and healing are things that should be able to happen by just our shaddows falling on others. isnt that amazing. i wonder even if those who were killing the believers at that time were healed as they killed them. now that would be amazing.

its time to risk everything, its time to enter into the adventure, IT'S TIME! Its time for the fire to fall, and its time to be burned up and consumed by it. its time guys, and girls, leave your saddness and depression and lack of faith, drop of your faith crisis, your mid-life crisis, your quarter-life crisis, leave all your crisis at the cross where christ destroyed it all, and stand up and follow, and leave it all behind, its time!

-me

cowboy take me away.....

this has been one of, if not the hardest years i have ever had.... and it all started last september.... there were good points, but there were also a great deal of pain and trials....

for example, this week ended on a sad note. I have had a dog for 18 years, a miniature poodle, named cuddles. When i came home from work thursday afternoon, we found her on the floor in the kitchen, she looked like she was sleeping, but it was more like she passed out. She was laying there, and whenever she would wake up, she would wake up crying. We had to make the hardest decision we ever had, we decided to have her put to death.

I know that most of you won't understand why this was a hard decision for us... she would have been "just a dog" to most of you.... and she was a dog, but I nicknamed her NANA because, when I was younger, every time I would cry, which happened a lot during school years, she would find me no matter where i was in the house and climb into my arms, lick my cheeks and snuggle me.

I have had a really bad last month and a half.... in fact this year has not been the best, but as one of my close friends said the other night, "it's over now." and that is right, it is over. Now is the time to move forward. There are so many big things that I am believing God for right now, and so of course this all comes up, to discourage me and make me quit, but i made a promise to God, that I would stand, stand I will!

through many dangers, toils and snares, I have already come. tis grace thats brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home.

my subject line is how i am really feeling. i want to go into a field and yell... yell and scream and get it all out. i want to run through a field and scream, and then fall down and stare at the sky in the arms of a man that can keep me safe from all this crap. thats what i want. i've been waiting for a long time for a husband, and kids.... not that i'm saying that i will stop waiting, im just saying that it has been a long time. and whenever i have a bad day or so, i really just want to curl up into someones arms... so i curl up in God's words for now, and i realize that HE is the shoulder i can cry on....and he is the strength that i draw from.

-me

"the thing about life is.... it goes on...."

Well, the last week was horrible. Since then, I have been, grieving and trying to recover from that grief, and to recover from the consequences from my actions and from other's actions. I have never fallen so hard, so fast. I feel as though i hit concrete from 100 stories up. I don't anylonger feel like I fit, or know where I fit.

I know that this was a strategic attempt at knocking the intercessor out, and I'm not a pessimist, but I would almost say, he did. I don't want to admit that, I don't want this to be true, but I don't know what else to think, and I don't know what to do, or how to fix all of the things that happened.

I have very few close friends, and i value those friendships, and I know that at least 2 if not 4 of those friendships are close to an end. They are on a cliff, dangarously close to falling to their doom. And yet even through all of this, I feel oddly freer than I ever have before. I feel, dangarously fearful, and hopeless, and yet free. I think that might be a bad thing, but I don't know.

I can't say here what has happened, and I won't say out loud to most, as I will never knowingly bring division, just so you know.

I am sad, and I feel like a person standing in a huge crowd of people, and yet, I am so alone. and yet, I am not depressed. wierd.... i am hopeless, and yet, strangely full of hope, I am sad, and yet strangely full of joy, I am lonely, yet not alone. This is the way it is with God, and I have never fully experienced this before.

When I think of the ones I love, and i wonder if i have lost them, my relationships, then I will grieve and experience great pain, but all will be well. There will be other relationships and other ones that I will love. These people are not replaceable, but I will live.

There is a quote I love, "the thing about life is.... it goes on...."

-me

i'm going to spank the stupid out of you....

hahaha, i have found a wireless signal somewhere in the area and so i am sitting, chatting online, getting some work done in my PJ's without having to go downtown...

yesterday was both really good and really not good. the good part was, my meeting with Dubbs went really well, as usual. I was so excited about it, and hoped that i would get everything out that i wanted to. i just love the guy so much, he is such a good friend and i love him as a pastor too. we are so blessed at the gate, 2 amazing guys and their families, could we ask for more?

We are totally upping the intercession and i get to teach that to the team. kinda wierd because my friend was planning on doing that before everything blew up, but i am coming to grips with all of that. It's taken a long time, and i still miss her everyday, but it is getting better.

I am just so excited about it all now. i can see such vision now. i know that i am still called to missions, wherever that is, thailand or somewhere else in southeast asia, south america, mexico, africa, who knows, but God.... but for now i see where i am and where i need to be. and i will tell you, it has been a long road this year. but i am finally not feeling like i made the wrong turn somewhere. something that i have learned and i will share it with all of you is this,

Life is a journey and you have to chose to enjoy the way, everyday, you must choose to make the best of the trip. if you were traveling across canada and only focused on the end destination and not the way there, you would have a pretty horrible trip.

thats my bit 'o wisdom for today children. :) well im going to hang with a friend this aft and then do some laundry tonight, so i have something to wear to the gate this week..... love ya guys,

angel