"the thing about life is.... it goes on...."

Well, the last week was horrible. Since then, I have been, grieving and trying to recover from that grief, and to recover from the consequences from my actions and from other's actions. I have never fallen so hard, so fast. I feel as though i hit concrete from 100 stories up. I don't anylonger feel like I fit, or know where I fit.

I know that this was a strategic attempt at knocking the intercessor out, and I'm not a pessimist, but I would almost say, he did. I don't want to admit that, I don't want this to be true, but I don't know what else to think, and I don't know what to do, or how to fix all of the things that happened.

I have very few close friends, and i value those friendships, and I know that at least 2 if not 4 of those friendships are close to an end. They are on a cliff, dangarously close to falling to their doom. And yet even through all of this, I feel oddly freer than I ever have before. I feel, dangarously fearful, and hopeless, and yet free. I think that might be a bad thing, but I don't know.

I can't say here what has happened, and I won't say out loud to most, as I will never knowingly bring division, just so you know.

I am sad, and I feel like a person standing in a huge crowd of people, and yet, I am so alone. and yet, I am not depressed. wierd.... i am hopeless, and yet, strangely full of hope, I am sad, and yet strangely full of joy, I am lonely, yet not alone. This is the way it is with God, and I have never fully experienced this before.

When I think of the ones I love, and i wonder if i have lost them, my relationships, then I will grieve and experience great pain, but all will be well. There will be other relationships and other ones that I will love. These people are not replaceable, but I will live.

There is a quote I love, "the thing about life is.... it goes on...."

-me